Happy Boxing Day, Y’all survived another Christmas hopefully sober like me. I am grateful for feeling the feelings that came with Christmas this year, it’s been 23 years since I’ve had a complete sober in the present holiday and saying that makes me feel that it’s a righteous badge of some sort…. that I had more f*cked up Christmas’s than people older than myself and for some messed up reason I kinda was. I always make it in my head that its a challenge and “Challenge Accepted” but how ridiculous is that especially over drinking….
My day went pretty routine waking up 5:20 to hit the gym, something that is new to me still but I like the routine of the morning. I came back and read my book, I’m reading Brene Brown – Daring Greatly (Great book by the way) I wake up early before anyone because its my time for myself and I tried to keep those emotions and feelings at bay but who was I to deny them for what they are, how has that worked in the past? it didn’t work very well so thankfully I realized that and so I chose to be accountable and be aware. My feelings ranged from Irritable, Angry, Sad, Happy, Grateful, Confused and Pissed off. It was more but I didn’t want to say them all, that would be a lot. I chose to feel those feelings, not suppress them, feel them for what they were and let them go. I’ve never thought of this before and I may have gotten in my head a little but I was aware of what was happening, getting pissed off at the most slightest of things like who the hell is taking out the garbage or why wasn’t this done in the house. Anything to cause an argument so I could have a reason to stew in anger and think about drinking. recovery has it’s challenges and living communally even more so cause everyone in the house is going through the same thing and buttons get pushed all the time. We are able to use the tools of communication just as we would anywhere else to resolve the differences in a healthy matter and I do forget at times, even though I claim I have memory of an elephant I do forget or choose to be passive and eventually aggressive on how I deal with things but I don’t do it all the time like I did before. so getting back on track we all have a choice obviously to feel those feelings in the moment and let go or let them get a hold of us so we have an excuse to potentially get back to what we did before recovery. It was a lot of ups and downs in a matter of 6 hours of waking up and that was crazy even for myself but I survived and I am grateful for the journey because there’s nothing else like it.
At one point I did reflect on where I was one year ago, I was living in Mackenzie BC and that choice was detrimental to the fact I used that as an excuse to drink which wasn’t the case at all. It wasn’t the best place I could’ve chose but I did choose to drink a lot while I was there. A year ago Christmas Eve I had gotten enough money to buy a bottle and a pack of smokes, I didn’t need any food so I was set, I didn’t go see my parents or my brothers, I didn’t see family in the area around and in Mackenzie, I choose to suffer and feel sorry for myself on that pity pot I tend put myself on in my addiction all the time. I even remember thinking that why wouldn’t this end, I didn’t want to feel this, I didn’t want to do this anymore in a suicidal kinda way and I was killing myself by drinking. It wasn’t a great Christmas by the way if you could tell but that thought was in my head and the idea was forming, it would take 104 more days to make that a reality. I’m also grateful for reflecting memories like that cause It makes me realize how far I’ve come and that how I’m becoming my own hero, rather than looking up to others for their bravery or success I am building my own foundation and solidifying those dreams.
I guess writing this piece wasn’t about anything but me to put it out there that I had to feel those feelings. I realize I’m just putting a little of myself out there on the internet to find that Strength in Vulnerability that Brene Brown talks about, to say I am not my scarcity and I am enough, even if its only for myself at times. anyways I’ve been writing for an hour and a half and the Juniors are playing. Chow 😉