When I started my journey, even before I gave a false sense that I “Truly” loved myself and nothing couldn’t break me I said to myself, “Yeah man, of course I love me, why wouldn’t I!!” or “No man, nothing can break this man! I’m solid!!!” You know where that got me? Up shit creek without a paddle, I couldn’t be more wrong and do you know what that did to me? Lets use a metaphor…. It was like a hitting a steel wall going as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog and thinking your able to bust through that MF and BAM you find out your normal! so I get hurt pretty bad.
In addiction you think you can numb that and get away with saying that kinda stuff but when you sober up it brings new meaning and it really hurt me in a huge way. The blow to my ego was massive.
I was doing an exercise with my fellow roommates in the Recovery House called Living Skills and we had to write a list of “Values” for 4 separate things in our life.
- Spouse (I chose a friend: Stephanie)
Simple enough right? and it goes as such.
My life: Ketso Yoh for giving me a bed to sleep in when I couldn’t find any other place, Wellbriety, Transformations, Friends, My Counselor Phyllis, Round Lake Treatment Center, Recovery House, Book, Crafts, Sewing etc…..
Friend: Stephanie! Her kindness, Her Friendship, Her Honesty, The Inspiration she gives, Her openness when she talks with me or shares, even her troubles.
Family: Their Love, Their encouragement, their willingness to give me another chance, their support and their individuality.
Now I was able to read all that out loud to everyone for the exercise then I had to read what I wrote that I found Value in myself…….. I didn’t write down a single thing. I couldn’t actually think of anything that I thought I was valuable about or for in my life. I was stumped. Now it’s easy to write this down and say it through a blog and make you believe me….. but I am a man of always challenging myself to use different words, different meanings, to always do better and be proud of that. This recovery house was doing its job at breaking me down enough to start really looking at my core issues cause as much as I could’ve sat there and lied to everyone, I didn’t. My Honesty is apart of my recovery so I sat quite and told the life facilitator that I could not find “a word”, let alone others to describe myself that would be worthy or valuable. At this time another person at the table spoke up and asked me if I actually loved myself and I had to swallow whatever I had to swallow that was stuck in my throat and say no. That was weird and hard, so long story short I found the courage and put the pen to the paper and finished up the exercise by writing down what I thought people wanted to hear. >>DONE<<
I wasn’t actually done, not by a long shot. I came to this house to learn and grow and find myself. I happened to stumble on something that was key…. Loving My Self. I can’t just say it and make it go away. I’m not in a place to go to a liquor store and find a solution that way anymore. I had to face this problem head on and I had no idea where I was gonna start. I had faced a similar problem a couple weeks to a month earlier before by using a white board that we were provided in our rooms. I solved that problem by writing down how I was feeling on the board and viewed my feelings objectively. That worked so I thought I’d have to buy a bigger whiteboard cause I was gonna need the extra room and I started writing on it. Why I should love myself, What values I bring to anything, anyone and the table of life, Who am I about, its there to say good qualities about myself and to accept compliments among a variety of other things. I write new things when something comes up or needs to be put on. I add stuff that I recognize what I am doing to others or myself that is toxic. I walk past this board everyday and I look at it all the time, I force myself to look at it even when it hurts or when I’m struggling cause its helping me grow into a better person and that’s my challenge to myself now. Its basically one of my New Years Resolutions.
I’m not there yet, however I’m closer than I was before to loving myself and that’s happening more and more everyday and I am grateful for that. I don’t know how it or I will look when I learn to love myself wholeheartedly but I guess when people just love me for who I am, I’ll be that much closer.
Below is a look at my Whiteboard right now and it’s an idea you can use, I didn’t patented the idea, its just my story and how I’m dealing and growing, follow and do your story. ❤