Addicts in our addiction don’t like the “P” word, we understand “Now” and Don’t every say “No” cause that’s just unheard of. Growing up with two younger brothers I always had someone to boss around, that’s lightly putting it. Then something happened after a certain age…. They got bigger than me and I never saw that coming. I couldn’t just punch, push or yell at them cause they’d just ignore me or actually fight back…. it was weird so I had to devise another solution. That was patience, I didn’t do it willingly at first but I some how got the upper hand most of the times. We don’t do that anymore cause we grew up and I’m grateful for that and I’m truly grateful for my brothers, they are two of some of the most important people in my life right now among a few others.
Patience for an addict is an unruly word, we don’t have what it takes. I didn’t anyways, If I wanted something done and done right I did it myself. That was me in my teens and twenties, I couldn’t show people how to do things on their own cause I had already figured out a faster and better way. I would push them aside (literally sometimes) to get it done.
When I drank, I drank to dull me to the point that I just didn’t care. I had a saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, Try drinking a beer while you do it, You’ll be amazed at how much less you care.” I seen it somewhere so I adopted it because it was funny and it was true for me. I started to use that in everything I did and it was wrong of me. I can give you examples out my ass in my own life but I’m sure you get the picture already. Patience is practiced and not given.
In my early days of recovery I overwhelmed myself by trying to find a way to get to the other side. I didn’t know what that looked like, I just knew that the other side was better then where I was now in this particular moment. I thought I could get around it without doing much work but that’s not how it happens, it’s those struggles, those hard moments and times that you learn about your self a little more and they can hurt tremendously I know but they’re worth every hurt (trust me).
There is a starting point, a first step, a thought to begin with and then there’s patience in the work you do for yourself. For me that was one moment to the next, one step in front of the other, one day at a time. It’s in those crawl before you walk moments that you just have to trust the process, trust your self and just be aware. A structured routine is one of the first things I did and I didn’t sway very far cause that was scary, I surrounded my self around addiction when I lived downtown Prince George. Its what helped me cause rock bottom was right around the corner. So growing up knowing patience and later in life trying to apply that to my situation was like learning to ride a bike all over again…. but this wasn’t easy cause I had to rehabilitate my mind and my legs. I was a lost soul floating around in a hazy dream for so long that coming back to reality was unachievable but I’m proof that it can happen. it was even as little as 1% everyday, that 1% added up over the weeks then months, I still haven’t hit that year mark but its been adding up to almost 9 months now and the results are miraculous. I never thought in such a short time how much could be done. That old saying, “I wish I knew then, what I know now”, turns into “Imagine what I’ll know tomorrow” and I believe that. Just cause you don’t know what you don’t know, doesn’t mean your gonna just be in the dark about things. patience brings with them new ideas, new thoughts and new actions. What patience looks like for you is not what it looks like for anyone else as well. Everyone is in a different spot in their recovery and the same goes for me. I use this blog that started out as an idea to what it is now. Imagine what it will look like 6 months from now when I get to know a lot more about the stuff I write. It won’t look like it does now that’s for sure.
I just want to say one thing that I do tell a few others in recovery, especially in early recovery. Be gentle with your self, learn what self care is and what it’s not. For me it was reading a book, sewing, painting or shooting hoops. What its not, is pushing your self to the limits, criticizing your self for not doing it right or demanding better than that what you deserve. That would be best practiced patience right there. We’ve put our selves through so much, we’ve put everyone ahead of our own needs, Even though we did the “doing” it wasn’t like we didn’t care totally less about those around us all the time. Just when we were gone and away we used.