Fighting Nothing and Losing

Imagine losing to something you can’t see, touch or hear. You try and put a face to it or you try and find a name for it. When you don’t know what you don’t know it becomes pretty hard. You see there’s three kinds of scenarios when it comes to something like this. You know what you know, you know what you don’t know and lastly you don’t know what you don’t know. How and the hell do you decipher that? lets take the first one.

You know what you know.” Personally, I know when I pick up a book called The Bible, that book will read about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It will have scripture and stories about the good word and everything that pertains to leading a life in the glory of the lord. That was pretty easy because we know what we know. -Secondly.

You know what you don’t know,” Now again I know to see E = mc2 (Einsteins Theory) but personally I don’t know the answer, that’s just a given. I maybe be smart in some ways but not smart to solve that. -Thirdly.

You don’t know what you don’t know,” This is off the edge of the paper kind of a question into nothingness. What don’t I know that I don’t know? How would you not know to begin with? I have a couple examples. You meet a stranger and you do not know how that persons character is, are they gonna be overly nice or a complete asshole? How about what they take in their coffee or if they even drink coffee. That would be something you don’t know, what you don’t know-until you do know. That person has to tell you.

Given all the information that we think we know in this world, we don’t know a whole lot of jack sh*t compared to the stuff we don’t know and that number is excruciatingly humongous. (read that again slowly)

How does this all tie into fighting nothing and losing? Easy, When you don’t know your enemy enough or at all and it keeps winning, how are you supposed to fight back from a losing battle or situation?

This is the fight I was in…. When you turn a blind eye on something you can’t even see, you don’t think anything of it. Life keeps on ticking and you keep on living. Drinking from such a young age, I was oblivious to what was really happening cause what I was doing was awesome. I was young, I was naive and I was doing adult things. I thought I was anyways with an impressionable mind.

Growing up as a child I had these episodes of waking up in the middle of the night and forging for anything in the cupboards that sparked my taste buds. This isn’t that big of a deal I suppose cause it’s pretty small. I would grab pie fillings or chocolate chips my mom used for baking and pack them off to bed. I did it enough that my parents caught on and I would lie but they just knew that it was me. So what, it was sugar but I couldn’t get enough and nothing stopped me so I did this for years (I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t eat candy and baked goods anymore) What I didn’t realize is that I had that tendency to grab what I could, fill my face up without thinking and lie about it. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I had that addictive personality when I was that young already cause I couldn’t help myself and I couldn’t wait.

I didn’t realize that my drinking was a progression throughout the years of my life. I did have real amazing moments like the birth of my daughter but I had really dismal ones as well and more often. The drinking started out once a weekend or once every two weekends, which when going to high school is normal, I so thought, (realize I grew up in normalized chaos.) I continued after high school and while I started working I was like a normal person having beers at the bar on Fridays. Well after a long while it wasn’t so fun anymore and I didn’t know my nemesis was taunting behind my back, right in front of my face. I was drinking my enemy and by the time the end was near to quitting, I was oblivious to what I was fighting. I had a feeling of worthlessness to a point that was unimaginable. In that last year of drinking I was Mentally defected, Emotionally unstable, Spiritually broken and Physically ill. It was only then that I realized what my true enemy was and that it had been right in front of my face the whole time, I couldn’t hide the fact anymore and It kept on dropping hints I didn’t want to see. I finally knew after 20 some years that I needed to stop cause where I was headed, it was cirrhosis of the liver, damage to the brain or death….. there was no in between and I had already isolated myself from everyone that cared about me.

Fighting an invisible enemy and losing is tough on the ego and your pride. To realize that you can overcome that enemy and turn your life around 180 degrees seems impossible but there are people that are living proof it can happen, you just got to want it at whatever cost. When you’ve hit your rock bottom and there’s no more digging downwards anymore and the only options are fight back or someone will finish where you bottomed out with another 6 feet to spare. You find what your made of, whether your resilient or you choose the ladder and let that “nothing” kill you.

Published by Nathan Findlay

Avid Blogger, I have a dream to help others. Addiction is the direct result of Trauma and Recovery is possible.

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