When I say this I personally hop that train into my head and over analyze stuff to a degree that it’s antagonizing and detrimental and it includes everyone and everything around me. A lot of people have heard the saying “The longest journey is from your head to your heart” and this could not be any truer. When we get up in our head we fathom up things and take those thoughts to another level, they cause anxiety and depression, scarcity and invulnerability. We build up walls to a point and they don’t come down, they get thicker and they are impenetrable.
In the house here I have a roommate that makes bannock and he’s told me that it’s by doing this, that its his “Self Care” tactic. His bannock is very good I have to admit. Everyone has there own ways in making bannock in the “bannock making world”, my auntie can attest to this because hers tastes and looks a little different but its has the texture of love within it. It’s an art that has taken time to perfect. I had this idea to make bannock myself as part of a lunch meal, this was after reading Brene Browns – Braving the Wilderness so I knew what was coming and even if I hadn’t, that feeling of scarcity would still be there. My roommate had gone to school for the week and I had gotten the recipe from my mother, I started doing my thing and was elbow deep in batter. After it was time to serve I had gathered everyone and told them that lunch was ready, I was the last to eat. I had to watch everyone’s reaction and hear feed back. I was nervous as hell, anything could’ve shattered my pride in those moments by saying it was too dry, too flat or over cooked…. they could’ve said that the color was off and it would’ve effected me (how would that even happen?) cause I put myself out there by making this for the first time in a while. It ended up a little flat to look at but it tasted great and by the way they loved it.
I had gotten into my head and I started to make up all these thoughts about how they could ruin me for that day by saying something…. anything! It wasn’t them at all, I realized after it was me that could’ve ruined my day, Why did I care in the first place, I made a heartfelt effort and followed the recipe to the word. During lunch I kept on saying stuff like; I haven’t made it in a long time, its my moms recipe I should’ve asked my auntie for hers (Probably not cause bannock making is a secret that people will keep secret in their heads for this exact point) I should’ve given myself more time. My head was turning and I was working myself up for nothing. That book I read helped me for this cause even though I was thinking all about this I marched on but it was still hard….
I also did this before I quite drinking as well, what will people think of me? Would they think I couldn’t handle my drinking anymore and I had to walk away with my tail between my legs. Truth was I couldn’t handle my drinking already for a long time and I just had to accept that fact for myself. When it happened I did feel that so I ran away where people didn’t know me and I was off the grid for at least three months while I started to heal my mind and body. I kept my Facebook up for appearance sake but no one knew where I was and I wanted it that way. My mind was very broken and it could’ve shattered easily from anything. I was always in my head about what people were thinking of me and it drove me deeper. I didn’t know anyone would give a hoot about what I was doing in that particular time. Later I would learn that they would’ve been encouraging and empathetic to me. Of course some of the other friends had their opinions and thinking about it now, I couldn’t care less, they didn’t affect me anyways. I was in charge of how I felt. I learned that I was the only person in this world that was in charge of me and I couldn’t control others feelings, that was up to them and their side of their street.
“Your Perception of me is a reflection of you, My reaction to you is an awareness to me” My friend from Treatment last summer posted that on his Facebook, I was having a bad day, I was stuck in my head and couldn’t shake how irritable I was. Nothing made sense and I couldn’t think of any way to grab myself up out of that hole. It wasn’t until I read that, that I was aware that I was in my head and what was happening had nothing to do with me in the first place. All day I put shameful thoughts in my head and all day I watered them and grew them until it was so unbearable it was starting to affect my roommates in the house and I didn’t want that so I isolated in my room. Everything happens for a reason and I learned a great deal in that struggle about how my mind worked, That’s why I always say “I am grateful for the struggles” or “I am grateful for the journey” because I/we do a lot of realizing and healing in those moments. Epiphanies happen and we become more aware of how we work without addiction and we grow a little more each day. If anything I want to grow a little more than the day before and if that day I don’t…. There’s always tomorrow.
Now speaking of that longest road between your head and your heart, for myself I understand I will always get in my head. I’ve become aware of that fact and I realize I need take a breathe. I stop, take a step back and focus on whats happening. I shift everything towards my heart cause I believe that’s where I did my step 4. My higher power lives within me and my creator only wants a relationship based on love with him, nothing more and nothing less. If I realize that I know that if I start to think with my heart, that my feelings, actions and emotions align with his and everything becomes simple and elegant with nothing more than truth in what I am dealing with. Compassion, Empathy and Love fill that void and what I’m dealing with becomes bearable.