I have had some instances in my recovery where I micro-manage, I let ego and pride take over, I don’t receive messages and I can be a plain out asshole cause I am reverting what I have learned my whole life. Recovery is the hardest thing I have done to date. It was a lot easier just over 300 days ago that if any of these problems came up I could easily shut people out, walk away, intimidate people, manipulate them, even go as far as gaslighting others. In the very end for myself I would end up drinking because I had to feel my feelings and the easiest thing to do when I didn’t want to do that was to go buy some beer or a bottle. That was the easiest thing to do for a lot of stuff I didn’t want to face. Same goes for the truth, if someone slapped the truth right in front of my face, I yelled at them or I disconnected in my own way and isolated. The truth hurts whether you like it or not and you can learn from that truth or do what I did.
I was talking about some things with my counsellor that I needed to get off my chest because that’s what you do when talking with them. At some point we got off topic and we were talking about winter driving and I’ve always said, “I’m never worried about my own driving, I’m worried about what separates me from oncoming traffic, a line in the middle of the road, from drunk choices, suicidal people and distracted drivers, so I’m always aware of others on the road.” The response I got from him was, “That’s the perfect metaphor for what recovery is about.” I had to think about this for a couple days and while working out this morning I had an epiphany and this is what I came up with.
As we drive through life only knowing what we know from what we’ve been taught this far, we have some pretty bad habits, this is the same for driving and we tend to stay with those bad habits cause they work for us. Personally mine included drinking while I drove in my life in my vehicle. When I drove, I not only noticed bad drivers around me, I had the habits of swerving at others, honking my horn, swearing and hand gestures, I would try and run them off the road if and when they pissed me off. That’s the only way I knew growing up was to react, let my ego and pride get the best of me, how I would respond to others messages and criticism. Basically I was up in my head fighting a losing battle within myself. I was infatuated with getting back or making others feel how they made me feel. I know I’m missing stuff however this is what’s prevalent right now.
Realizing this is how I am driving my own life and not taking into consideration of others, I need to relearn how to drive. All I need to do is stay in my own lane, watch out for objects, traffic (others) and be respectful. Following the same laws that govern highway usage in real life because not doing so will lead to fines, jail time and car crashes. Other drivers maybe going through stuff I have no idea about but as long as I stay within my capabilities I will be fine, what they’re going through is none of my business.
I’m going to take this one more step further to say that even though I have complete control on how I drive, I can still have that tendency to swerve at others, finger that asshole, speed past everyone and revert to my old habits. This is when I have to let go of that steering wheel and trust baby Jesus to take control, to lead from my heart instead of my head, his will and not my own then I can be present for not only myself, but others that drive through this life around me and I will be a better person for it.
Ps: I also love Talladega nights 😉