Dear Alcohol

            The thing is I am going through Treatment here at Round Lake Treatment Centre as a 7 week refresher and the Kool thing is that I heard a saying that when the students ready, the teacher will show. Unexpectedly 31 teachers showed up for me as my peers and I couldn’t be more grateful.

            So I took this program last summer and I met some amazing people and did some great work including trauma work and that was a make or break moment in my recovery, one of the first assignments we did was a letter to alcohol/drugs. It was a personal letter to the effects of our addictions and we had to share it with everyone. It was about how it affected us personally and it got really personal for a lot of us.

            I wish I hadn’t burnt my first one from last summer because the whole thing around the burning it was to give it to God or my Creator and he could deal with it in a good way. The thing is that I was vulnerable to the point that only my last treatment buddies would be able to listen to it once and that’s it, no one would ever see or hear what I said again and that never sat good with me. I never felt healing in any way and so having this blog I had a chance to let the world see who I really was to whom ever had an interest in what I had to say and maybe, just maybe I could help one person.

            They could feel a little braver to open up, become vulnerable themselves, heal the way they can and let go of whatever is keeping them back in their decision to quitting the very thing that has made their life unmanageable and that they were powerless over their addiction.  

            This gave me the idea to save my assignments and letters, to put them on display and give those people an idea of what happens in a treatment centre if they were curious about quitting.

            Treatments and fellowships are a great way to see that no one is alone in what they’re going through, that their story is important for and to others. The new person is beneficial to the told timer cause it gives the old timer the sense of what it was like to be new, reflect on what they went through being scared and vulnerable. Same goes for the new comer, they see the wisdom that the old timer shares in meetings, the one liners that makes sense in a new way, the underlying issues that time has given old timers have seen in their recovery and pass this knowledge on to the new comers. We cannot keep what we were so freely given with this knowledge and the old timers get a certain glitter in their eyes when they see someone new. I have experienced this personally and it’s love in a new way.

            This gives hope that there is life after putting down the bottle or needle and that sobriety can be a fun experience, life keeps going and life gets better.

            There are so many messages conveyed at treatments and fellowships that it’s unreal, the beauty of strangers with addictions that connect for one thing, to get sober, meet fellow people that want to be sober and help each other. No one knows how hard it is than a fellow addict/alcoholic so we sympathize for and with each other.

            Here is my letter to alcohol, me letting go of the thing I hid behind for 23 years, to hide pain and regret, to fuel resentment towards others and not love the way I should’ve for all those years.

            Dear Alcohol,

            Before I met you I was an innocent young aspiring little boy with ambitions to do great things in my life, I was filled with love and ideas about what I wanted to become through loving parents and family, they gave me morals and directions. At the tender age of 13 was my first interactions with you and right from the beginning you gave me false intentions of a life I envisioned, I thought you were going to take me into adulthood, give me a sense of ownership in my life. The false sense of fun and pride was yours for the taking and you took this away so viciously and gracefully, leaving me to cover up my pain. You took away my childhood, leaving me to grow up before my time, to look after my two younger brothers while mom and dad turned to you.You took my parents away as well, they had pain somewhere in their lives and you falsely comforted them the way you comfort everyone else, denying them of everything they truly are and who they truly love. You also took away myself when I was over indulging with you and that led to the reasoning why I don’t have my daughter in my life today.

            What I felt after consuming you was what I thought life and being grown up was all about. To feel close and connected drinking with my mother when you took her away from me when I was a child, to feel accepted in social situations.

            The people I harmed was my daughter and my family, I fell into patterns, My family having to worry about me throughout the years, the countless times I was an asshole or almost harmed complete strangers that never deserved it.

            My acting out behaviours you caused me throughout all the years, creating animosity, being vindictive, how I made others walk on eggshells , I lied and cheated family and others, how I let ego always get the best of me, how I was browbeaten others and at times not knowing it, and how I raised my voice to overpower others for entitlement when I should’ve just  been listening.

            I want to say get lost, I’ve made my choice to live a life for myself, to live a life for serenity in sobriety. I have to live with the choices I did make when I over indulge, I’m saying that your no longer welcomed in my presence anymore. I have plans for the future to reconnect with my daughter even though it scares the living shit out of me cause I don’t know what she will think of me after 12 years, I have plans to reconnect with family and friends, to build a new foundation and build those bridges I burned from the splinters and ash that consumed them throughout the years. I want to simply say bye.

Published by Nathan Findlay

Avid Blogger, I have a dream to help others. Addiction is the direct result of Trauma and Recovery is possible.

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