Thinking about my time in treatment I learned some valuable lessons about myself of how I was looking at life externally rather than within myself. Taking on others stuff and making them my own. Bringing me everywhere I went and not being present with what was actually going on around me. The biggest thing that caught my eye was that I was always saying that being “aware” was essential to my growth and yet I found the very things that were literally right in front of me, I was unaware of those aspects and this was very unsettling.
I’ve been chasing the very thing my blog is about, which is “Serenity in Sobriety” and I was contributing to the chaos that was enveloping everything in my life. The way I see what I want my life to be about is not to wonder through it aimlessly and nothing affects me cause even I have feelings about people, places and things. To go through life and not be effected by the very things that make life beautiful, even with hurt, sadness, grief, shame, abandonment, guilt and anger is missing puzzle pieces that would make a picture incomplete, they are a part of me and dismissing that is taking away from my identity.
It’s these things that made me struggle to get through some of the very things that gave me thicker skin which would be viewed as partly good and bad. They also made me hold on to resentments, put up walls to those closest around me and just made me be everywhere other than where I actually am, present in the now. I was living in the past and the future so much I forgot to live my life and recently living my life.
Going through treatment I was running away from what was going on in my life at the moment. It was needed though cause I was reverting to old patterns that had taken me out in the first place and I did meet some very special people that came to me as teachers. Hearing their stories, seeing they’re gifts in them gave me incentives to jump start my journey again.
Going to treatment again was something that was planned all along and coming out changed was inevitable because change in the universe is constant and growth is essential for my recovery. I learned that I had to let go of those tapes from my early childhood that kept on playing over and over again, I found an affirmation to help me with just that “It’s over, I survived” as well as looking inwards. I had to work on my Inner Child as well, learning to love and nurture the little guy inside and as well as letting myself be emotional at times of need.
I learned a lot and I’m making moves to model those very things slowly in my life cause it’s progress rather than perfection. The way I see it I want to move seamlessly through life using the very tools I have now at my disposal and not have to look back anymore cause they happened and I’m here right now. To live life on life’s terms, not my own and to be present and love. The phrase “I’m a Vulnerable Open-Hearted Man” comes to mind, a name that was chosen for me by one of my mentors Tom from Transformations. To use Healthy Boundaries, Vulnerability, To be Honest, Open and Willing, to be Present and look within and just live my life for me and not to make it difficult cause that’s what I tend to do.
These Blogs will get easier and easier as I switch to talking about the tasks at hand and just getting myself out there in the digital world.
Namaste: “the divine in me bows to the divine in you”